There comes a time, in the sickness of a loved one, that your own life becomes consumed by death. I believe I have reached that point. Last night, as I tried to sleep, I found myself waking up briskly in anticipation of the phone call that would inform me that my mother's death had come. For a couple of weeks now we have been talking and planning the funeral. We know it will be best if most of the details are set before Mom's death because it will be hard to think straight after that time.
Still, I find it difficult to imagine life without her. She is, after all, the person who has been in my life the longest time. She has been an incredible nurturer and loving encourager for me. Our relationship is close and deep. I find myself pondering not being able to see her. I find my mind wandering to thoughts of the funeral. I find myself missing her before she is even really gone.
I am consumed by death. The days drag by. I feel alone --- very alone. It is a dark road on which I am traveling. I am certain that death will have no victory in all of this, but I do know my life is about to take a forever altering change. I am living in a death induced haze. I am just going through the motions of my routine life, consumed by death.