Thursday, January 24, 2008

Jasper Speaks:

There comes a time, in the sickness of a loved one, that your own life becomes consumed by death. I believe I have reached that point. Last night, as I tried to sleep, I found myself waking up briskly in anticipation of the phone call that would inform me that my mother's death had come. For a couple of weeks now we have been talking and planning the funeral. We know it will be best if most of the details are set before Mom's death because it will be hard to think straight after that time.

Still, I find it difficult to imagine life without her. She is, after all, the person who has been in my life the longest time. She has been an incredible nurturer and loving encourager for me. Our relationship is close and deep. I find myself pondering not being able to see her. I find my mind wandering to thoughts of the funeral. I find myself missing her before she is even really gone.

I am consumed by death. The days drag by. I feel alone --- very alone. It is a dark road on which I am traveling. I am certain that death will have no victory in all of this, but I do know my life is about to take a forever altering change. I am living in a death induced haze. I am just going through the motions of my routine life, consumed by death.
Jasper Speaks:

Thanks for your prayers. They are carrying me through this difficult time. The dialysis has stopped. Mom made that decision and we all agreed. The doctors are telling us to be prepared. She could pass away as early as this weekend or early next week. It is a difficult time. I will be taking off work on Friday and spending the day with her. This afternoon we have a meeting with the care team about what is to come next. I am not sure whether that is moving her to a hospice type situation or leaving her at the hospital or her going home. We are not so sure what is next. Please pray for us as we make these hard decisions. I will try and update you as I know more.

Tuesday, January 22, 2008

Currently Reading
Julius Caesar (New Folger Library Shakespeare)
By William Shakespeare
see related

Jasper Speaks:

I am so drained right now. I am really, really tired. I am not sleeping well. I have weird dreams. I am so lethargic about school. I feel like I am almost just on the outside watching my life. I feel very disconnected.

Mom asked my brother about her funeral yesterday. It does make things a bit more real. She understands what is going on and I suppose that is good. It is hard but good.

I was encouraged by the Truth Project last night. A couple of my small group guys are really getting into it. A freshman boy who I would not have expected to be as excited as he is, is definitely the most into it. It is fun to watch his enthusiasm.

I met with the search committee on Sunday. It went well, I believe. We will meet again on the 31st. Please pray for that I hope we move quickly. I really would like to know what is going on in my life as soon as possible.