Tuesday, January 27, 2009

Jasper Speaks:

I know that it has been a long time since I have posted. It seems like things get crazy busy and I don't get a chance to write out my thoughts. Even lately when I have had the time I have not had the motivation. But here I am. It is a crazy, snowy night. I began this entry because yesterday was the one year anniversary of the death of my mother. It causes pause for reflection for sure. For one year I have been a Mama's boy without a Mama. It still hurts everyday at some point. As recently as today, I started to call her when I wanted to talk about something. That feeling is the worst.

Kendra comforted me by reminding me that a year anniversary can also be a bit of relief. It means that you have survived all the major events once. I have had an Easter without a mother. I have seen my son have a birthday without his grandma. I have gotten a wonderful job without being able to share the joy with my mom. I have had my own birthday without hearing my mother tell me she loves me. I have giving thanks for a bountiful year without her. I have gathered with my family at Christmas without she who was our emotional and spiritual center. And ... I ... have ... survived. None of those things was easy. Yet the firsts are now in my past.

I have shed many tears over the past year. The hole that was placed in my heart on January 26, 2008 is still as empty today. But you do get through. You get on with life. Maybe that is one of the hardest parts to this process. The fact that life goes on. No one at work acknowledged the anniversary. There was nothing about it on the morning TV shows announcing that a long year had passed. There was nothing different in the world because she was gone. Nothing for anyone but my family. It is sometimes hard to see that life goes on.

After a year I have had a chance to reflect on many of the things that my mother taught me. I am who I am because of her love, guidance and spiritual witness. I pray that even though he will not remember her, that Jackson will reflect her love and personality as well. That is what is so comforting. I don't buy into all that "they are still with us" stuff. Still, as her parents passed on to her so many things that made her the wonderful person she was, she passed things on to me, and I pray I will pass those things on to my son. So I guess in someways, she continues on here as well. I mean nothing hocus pocus about that, I just find comfort in knowing that I can pass on who she was even after she has gone.

On Saturday, Kendra, Jackson and I went to her grave. I told Jackson that the stone was above where his Grandma was now. I know she isn't there but how do you explain a graveyard to a two year old. I told him that she loved him very much (her last audible words were "Bye bye sweetheart" to him the night before she died). I nearly lost it when he reached out to the stone and said, "Hi Grandma". It breaks my heart that he will never really know how much she loved him.

Do you ever wonder why things have to be like this? I have not had even one moment of questioning my faith in all of this. God is who He claims to be and is still working out His plan everyday. Still, I wish she was here. I wish Jackson could know her. It will get easier (and even now it has already).

I am comfortable with knowing that I am a living legacy of Donna Rains. I pray that I can live up to that calling. I am blessed to have had her impact my life for 38 years. I am still blessed by that impact and will be forever. Life is hard but God is good. Thank you Mom for leading me to Christ and for being the best example of Him I may ever see in the flesh. I love you.

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