Saturday, March 21, 2009

Jasper Speaks:

Two years ago my life changed ... completely. On March 19, 2007, God gave me a son. Jackson came to live with us permanently on that day. In just two years he has become the center of our world. I am so proud of how smart he is. At two and three quarters he knows his alphabet, can count almost to twenty, knows his colors and can make a gazillion animal sounds.

He has taught me so much about love. I know I cannot fathom the Father's love for us, but when I think about how much I love my son, I get a small glimpse of how deep that love is. I cannot imagine giving my son to die for someone else. It is something I could never do. When I look into his big brown eyes, my heart melts. How could you ever give that away? It is crazy to think that my love for him is only a tiny fraction of God's love for me.

I remember so much about the past two years. I remember how excited I was when he first came. I remember waiting for him to crawl and being so excited when he did. I can remember longing for that first conversation and being overwhelmed when it came (even though I am fairly sure it was about Curious George or something deep like that). Our first family vacation and watching him giggle in glee as we rode the tractor and the train.

There are so many things I love about being Jackson's daddy. I love to hear him belly laugh. I cannot help but join in. I love to hear him say "Hi Daddy!" when I get him up in the mornings. I love the times he insists that I read to him. I love the rare times he quietly crawls into my lap and cuddles while sucking his ever comforting finger. I love how excited he gets on Sunday mornings when he first sees me after church. I love his high pitched neigh when we ask him what sound a horse (his favorite animal) makes. Mostly, I love him. I am humbled God chose me to be his example.

So, Two years ago we had no idea what we were getting ourselves into. We had no idea that a little boy was going to capture our hearts and steal them away forever. We didn't know that family would become the most important part of all we do. We had no idea how much this beautiful, funny, sweet, smart little creature would change our lives. We had no idea how unworthy of this showing of God's grace to us we really were.

Today, as I hold Jackson in my arms, I hope I have a moment when I can remember what seems almost impossible to recall. Life without him. In that moment I pray that I will appreciate today and the gift it, and my beautiful baby boy are. May the years go by slowly and may I let each day simmer in my heart as I watch this beautiful gift grow into a wonderful man of God.

Friday, March 20, 2009

Jasper Speaks:

I went to a funeral today. It was for my Great Uncle Charles. He was my mom's uncle but was an uncle that, especially throughout my childhood had been great to me as well. I was a bit choked up during the service. I think most of that was because my father was supposed to go with me. He spent the night at my house last night. He woke me up yelling for me at 5:30 this morning. He was disoriented and told me he wanted me to take him home right then. He lives about forty-five minutes away. I was confused and angry and put him in the car to take him home.

On the way there my anger subsided but was replaced with deep sorrow. The father of my childhood is gone. I am now the parent. As I beat myself up for being angry I was reminded of a time when I lived in Chicago, right out of high school, and my parents bought me a plane ticket home. I got spooked by something and didn't want to fly back so he dropped everything and drove me back. I was ashamed of my groggy reaction and very sad altogether. My dad needs me to be the authority figure in his life.

It is hard because he wants independence and he wants to stay living all alone. I can't see that being possible much longer at all. I saw him in the wee hours of morning today and it frightened me. He was a scared shell of who he used to be. On the ride to his house we didn't really speak. He sat in the passenger's seat while I drove ... and cried.

I am praying about the hard times that I realize are still ahead for all of us. Things like convincing Dad that independence can no longer be had. Dealing with my siblings as we try to sell his house and purge so many of the useless things that he has collected throughout the years. Saying goodbye to the father of my youth. Saying hello to a role reversal we never want.

That is my heart today. Sad to say goodbye to Uncle Charles. Sad to say goodbye to a little more of my innocence. Here is a video that should lift you up a bit since I have been the big ole downer today:

Wednesday, March 18, 2009

Jasper Speaks:

Add this to the hilarity of life! Kendra wouldn't even know this much. She calls the gold guy 3CPO:

Jasper Speaks:

This has been making the rounds. Very funny and worth the long upload wait:

Ignatius from travis hawkins on Vimeo.